Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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