This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
