The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
