She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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