On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
