I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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