After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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