I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
