your parents love me but you hate me
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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