I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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