A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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