she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
