i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
