Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
