Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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