Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So much Jack, so little girl.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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