He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
