You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
