god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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