We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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