I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He passed out mid-signature
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
