he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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