six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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