no, he came in my armpit
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
please don't ironically join a cult
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