Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
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