giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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