Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
