you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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