after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
