dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
