I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
