If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
