I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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