Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
