if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
