yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
