Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
