It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
