Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
