I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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