3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
