I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
