That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
