pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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