Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
