i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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