Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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