Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
