Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
