I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
