She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
