it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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