It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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