I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
